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FUNNY PAGES
8- 13 Things To Do When Your ISP Goes down 9- How To Improve ur English pronunciation 10- Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn |
5- Addicted to the internet?
| 1. What do you think
are good names for children? a) Scott and Jenny. b) Bill Gates IV. c) Napster and Dotcom. 2. What's a telephone? a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others. b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys. c) Something you plug into a modem. 3. Which punctuation is most correct? a) I had a wonderful day! b) I had a **wonderful** day!!! c) I had a wonderful day :-) 4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to: a) Visit the washroom. b) Raid the fridge. c) Check your E-mail. 5. What are RAM and ROM? a) A male sheep and a city in Italy. b) Hulking stars of the WWF. c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. 6. To avoid a virus you should: a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough. b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times." c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. 7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you: a) Ask friends where to purchase it. b) Check out the Yellow Pages. c) Go to eBay. 8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you: a) Call the retailer. b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number. c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ. 9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you: a) Visit a club on a Saturday night. b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch. c) Check out college webcams. 10. How do you introduce yourself at a party? a) Hi, I'm Jane! b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp. c) Hi, I'm female/16/Usa. |
11. When you're
interested in someone at a party you say: a) Tell me more about yourself. b) What's your star sign? c) What's your Profile? 12. If you really like the person, you say: a) Could you tell me your phone number? b) What's your E-mail address? c) Let's chat Private. 13. When I say spam, you think: a) Ham in a can. b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail. c) I mailbomb all spammers! 14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say: a) I don't need another mug coaster. b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups. c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. 15. When you want to research a reference you: a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia. b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive. c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. 16. When you write a letter you: a) Put pencil to paper. b) Open Eudora. c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail? 17. Different types of text formatting include: a) Writing and printing. b) Underline and double-strike. c) Bold and italic. 18. You correct errors using: a) An eraser. b) White-out. c) Backspace or delete. 19. You sign your name: a) Best regards, John Smith. b) See you in IRC, John_Smith. c) Check out my home page for the cool links, http://www.***.com 20. To keep a copy of your letter you: a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet. b) Take it to the photocopier. c) Check your Sent Mail folder. |
| SCORING
:- * Give yourself : zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c". * If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. * If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality. * If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far. |
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We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image the chicken crossing the road.
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!.
To die. In the rain. Alone.
7- " If You Had A Digital Life "
If u messed up ur life, u could press "Alt+Ctrl+Del" & start all over!
To get ur daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If u needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in ur life, click control panel.
To improve ur appearance, just adjust the display setting.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When u lose ur car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance.You'd use ur diskette to recover from a crash.
You could click on "send" & the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids & spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is ur wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
8- " 13 Things To Do When Your ISP Goes down "
Dial 15 immediately.
Open the curtains to see if any thing has changed over the past two months.
You mean there's sumthing else to do?
Threaten ur ISP with an impeachment vote.
Work.
Walk to letter box every 15 minutes.
Get the kidney Transplant you've been putting off.
Finally take a bath.
Call ur spouse.Check whether new members have been added to ur family.
Re-introduce yourself to ur immediate family.
Call people & ask if their ISP is down. If they can call their customer support services.
Delete Temporary Internet Files.
Time for a nap.
9-
How to improve your English pronunciation.......
Try this simple test....
Can U pronounce proper English?
Try this now ..............................
Wolf roof roof
woof wolf roof
woof woof wolf
woof woof roof
wolf roof roof
woof woof wolf
woof woof wolf
woof woof roof
Check your results below
TEST RESULT:
scroll down
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good doggie ....... :-)
Now stop BARKING and get back to work!
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, or meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grouse and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
People, not computers, invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
AND why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?